When my grandmother died where did she go? I found myself absently wondering this as I sat staring at my book (without reading it) on an airplane two weeks ago. Yesterday, I could have heard her voice on the phone. Where is her voice today? Where is her laugh?

I heard from my father, and was on a plane 10 hours later. Life on pause. Cats abandoned. Boss ignored. The distance from my family weighed on my chest. I fled home, only to feel time slow down when I arrived. Every time I saw another family member we would each stop and regard one another. So, this is what you look like in a world without Gram.

She asked to be cremated. No fuss. No coffin. I saw her on the last day she was in the world, and it was not real to me until that moment. She lay, tiny, on a table. It was still her, but she was freezing cold. I clasped her hands, pushed back her hair, kissed her cheek. My mother, aunt, and I stayed with her until we were drained of tears.

My family gathered every day that week and the next, occupying ourselves with projects and planning. Sometimes we just sat together. We ate too much food, and watched my niece and nephews play.

I found myself thinking about Buffy a lot. In particular, I thought about the episode "The Body," which I had watched for the first time a couple of weeks earlier. Those are some of the finest 40-odd minutes of television I've ever seen. Joss is truly unsentimental when it comes to death. He says in the commentary that nothing is gained in the loss of a loved one. Death doesn't bring people together or teach us lessons. Rather it leaves a hole in our lives where that person used to be. I heard his response to my question of where my Gram went. She's just gone.

Strangely, this sentiment does not make me feel worse. It's frustrating to look for consolation in abstract life lessons during times like these. During Gram's memorial service, my father's pastor told us to feel happy that she is in heaven now. How comforting it is to have a stranger tell you how to feel in this situation! I immediately channeled my teenage self and thought "What do you know about my feelings?", and mentally threw myself onto my bed in a fit of tears. I'm not happy, and it's not for lack of faith. Why should I be happy that Gram is not with us, even if she is playing canasta with Jesus or whatever? Sure, it's selfish, but I miss her. There is a void in my life now, and if I accept that then I can learn to live with it.

We all lose people, and eventually our families and friends will lose us. So, what's to be done? Nothing, except to love my family and my chosen family of friends as much as possible while we're all still breathing. It's not a lesson. It's a plan.

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My Gram, holding out her pinky while drinking a Diet Coke. We thought this was hilarious.



Here she is again with my niece Simone.



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Here's a song for everyone who has ever lost someone. It was written by Y.M. Barnwell, and recorded by Sweet Honey in the Rock.

Wanting Memories
(from CROSSINGS by Y.M. Barnwell ©1992)

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

You said you'd rock me in the cradle of your arms.
You said you'd hold me ‘til the storms of life were gone.
You said you'd comfort me in times like these and now I need you.
Now I need you...
And you are -
gone.

So, I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Since you've gone and left me, there's been so little beauty,
but I know I saw it clearly through your eyes.
Now the world outside is such a cold and bitter place.
Here inside I have few things that will console.
And when I try to hear your voice above the storms of life,
then i remember all the things that I was told.

Well, I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Yes, I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I think on the things that made me feel so wonderful when I was young.
I think on the things that made me laugh , made me dance, made me sing.
I think on the things that made me grow into a being full of pride.
I think on these things, for they are true.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I thought that you were gone, but now I know you're with me.
You are the voice that whispers all I need to hear.
I know a "Please", a "Thank you", and a smile will take me far.
I know that I am you and you are me, and we are one.
I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand.
I know that I am blessed,
again, and again, and again, and again,
and, again.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.