Khei's Bunk

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Wtf?

Posted by Khei, Jun 11 2006, 06:28 AM

I guess for the most part I've more or less outlived my welcome on yet another forum.. I'm not gonna post this kinda crap to the forum itself as I'm not lookin for pity or "OMG DON'T LEAVE" crap.. Only those who are bored enough to read personal blogs here will read this and frankly I don't think anyone would care let alone even notice if I just dropped off the board..

I feel very much like an outcast among the NAs in the Bunk and I no longer feel welcome..

Yes I'm hotheaded and get royally pissed off when people viciously and without warant attack a friend but those posts could have been avoided if people would not be pricks and learn keep their mouths shut.


Point is is due to my posting and attempt to protect the character of a friend Suddenly I find myself unwelcome and unwanted.. I've been more or less alienated from the board and Completely alienated from everyone on YIM save for one or two people..

Instead of just iggnoring me the least they could do is just bluntly say "Fuck off thanks."

So yeah.. I probably won't post much.. and aside from drawing them for my own entertainment the HN comics will no longer be posted on the board..

It was nice while it lasted..

~ Khei


*insert Title Here*

Posted by Khei, Mar 1 2006, 08:10 AM

Just a bit of an insightful thing.. I don't feel liek posting to my Live Journal at the moment cause people on Live Journal are often insecure little wolves who love to tear my posts apart and tell me how wrong I am for feeling the way I feel and the like.. adn sinc ethis is yet another blog I'll rant here.. Not liek anyone's really gonna read it save for me anyway.. which makes me feel better cause I can't stand it when people start trying to give me self esteam. I don't need it. I don't even have a place to store it so save it for someone who truely needs it. You know like the folks who cut themselves or starve themselves to death or some such..


Fera not this won't be totally self bashign and all that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is thanks to two people.. two unlikey people considering I don't even truely know them.. One I've never even talked to.. How's that for totally screwed up? Go ME!

aright.. for starters I'm 25 years old (at the time of this post) and I've already been put through more than anyone should ever have to.. No I don't think I've had it worse than anyone else because there's millions of folks who have been through much MUCH worse but I still stand on the fact that noone should ever have to go through what I've been through let alone what others have.

Let's start at the begining..

life didn't start out too bad and at a young age it never really sunk in that my family was already dysfunctional.. My mother had already been considering a divorce for years before I was born.. hell she started thinking about divorce two weeks after getting married..

Growing up I never formed a parent/child relationship with my dad.. He prefered to watch Star Trek and moan and complain that he had a headache and I was just simply ushered away with "I've got a migraine" I never received any affection whatsoever from my father.. Didn't affect me as a child because well I had nothing to compare it to.. Mom wasn't too much into the hugs and kisses thing either because she'd been treated similarly as a child so she didn't know how to show affection very well.. As a result I don't much like being touched.. let alone hugged or otherwise shown affection. I'm doing better at it but It's still so alien to me and it hurts that I can't show affection or accept it.. Sometimes it hurts enough to cry..

Growing up I had few friends and even fewer true friends.. Being an only child I had to make do entertaining myself. I liek to think this is what nurtured and enabled my creative side to grow and shine.. Hell as I type this half the Dinosaur toys I had as a kid are probably still burried somewhere underground in the back yard of the house I lived in.. (No small feat as the Trex I had was a good 2 feet tall) Luckily, as an only child, I was entreated to as many toys as I could play with.. I had every TMNT known to man and my prized possession was my Yellow Voltron Lion. at 5 years old it was HUGE to me. Wish I still had it actually. Point is my friends were my toys.. never had an imaginary friend or anything but I always daydreamed of fantasy adventures and the like, always wishing that stuff was real.

At 5 years of age I suffered my first brush with death.. I was minding my own bussiness when a friend of my mother spooked her horse who then bumped into me, knocked me down and steped on my chest.. Luckily before the horse put his full weight down onto that foot I rolled to the side suffering only a massive wound on my chest that dragged ove rone shoulder (From rolling) If I hadn't rolled The horse would have crushed my chest and killed me.. Been terrified of horses since though I hold nothing against the horse for what happned.. Wasn't her fault..

At 6 I broke my arm chasing a kid through the kitchen, is socks, for hitting me in the head. I fell tried to catch myself, arm tried to bend the wrong way..

at 10 my parents finally got a divorce. Everythign was fine untill my father fought for custody and won becaus ehe screwed mom in the divorce and left her with no money. I began living with my dad and thus began the "Two years of Hell"

It sounds silly but during my two years of living with my father I pretty much lived out the whole cinderella thing only it wasn't step parents or step sisters, no mice, no god mother, no ball, no prince, and no happy ending.. My duties in his house were to clean the house from top to bottom every saturday and sunday. I was to wash dishes and help cook dinner. Every ngith, after dinner, I was to scrub down every bit of the kitchen wether it needed it or not.. If there was company, I didn't eat dinner till after Company left. I couldn;t choose what I wore to school. My father chose it for me. I was to neither be seen nor heard unless it was asked of me.

During my stay, My father attempted to kill me and make it look like an accident three times. First time he attempted to get me lost and leave me for dead in Red Rock Canyon. luckily a friend noticed I wasn't on the bus and managed to stop the bus just as they were pulling away to head back to Las Vegas. One of the teachers managed to find me but I was badly cut up from trying desperately to find my way out, cutting myself on cactus and various trees and bushes who's limbs are covered in thorns.

Second time was at Wet n' Wild, on Raging Rapids. Children who weigh less than 100 lbs were to ride with someone on a two person tube or hodl onto another tube on the way down so as to avoid flipping. It was very busy and everything was fine untill we reached the second pool. We neared the ramp and he pushed me and my tube down the ramp.. I couldn't stop myself from going any further because of the amount of people riding the water ride.. The final ramp flipped me over and I was trapped under water as droves of people pasted overhead. I was constantly kicked and knocked down as I struggled to reach the surface for air. Soon I had given up and submitted to death's grip.. I can tell you from first hand expreiance, at least in my case, My life did flash before my eyes and oddly enough Drowning is not painfull.. scary yes painful no..

One of the life guards managed to discover me and pulled me out, after some CPR (Dunno how much I was out at the time) They managed to pull me back.. Then I was in pain.. The life guards yelled and fumed at my dad who then later yelled anf fumed at me and took the belt to me for "Ruining his and his sister's fun" Been terrified of deep water since..

Third tiem he tried to get me knocked out a second story window.. Luckily the screen was better anchored into the window slats and I didn't fall. Didn't help my fear of hieghts any though..

During my short time studying Karate (Tae Kwon Do) We had little parties called "Ninja Night" wich was a sort of sleepover held at our Dojo where we watch Ninja movies till we all fall asleep.. He had promised to take me to it once and when he changed his mind 9Two minutes before we were to leave) I yelled at him for not keeping his promise. Thsi action was rewarded by him forcing me to strip down in front of him (at 12 years old) and he beat me with a belt so much I was literally unable to sit for two weeks.

Finally was managed to return to my mother's custody and thinsg were fine for a long while.. I was hit by a car once but It was nothing too serious.. My sleep was bruised and was swollen and I was not allowed to take PE anymore in school but again nothing too serious..

At 16 My father demanded a DNA test to prove he was actually my father.. It came out he was but the act had a deep effect on me. He never wanted me in the first plac eand even went as far as trying to off me so he could be rid of me but to ask for the DNA test was, to me, denying my very existance, attacking my very being. He was attacking me on the most personal ground he could.. He deeply rooted a hatred in me that I can never let go of..

Why did I writ all of this junk? No I'm not looking for pity. I don't need it.. I like to think It's all made me a stronger, better person but it has had alot of negetive effects on me..

I liek to think of myself as an outgoing, friendly, witty, funny, interesting person but deep down I know that I'm unimportant, insignifigant and otherwise uninteresting..

At the persent I have no friends offline. Every friend I have is a username on a message board.. I'm not by any means attractive, I'm not interesting, or witty, or funny, or smart.. I have only one thing in my favor and that's a drawing talent.. I can draw so I make up characters and fictional stories about these characters and my characters become, more or less my friends..

Most of the time I feel very lonely. I don't fit in anywhere I go and no matter how I might try I can't make friends.. as a result I waste all my time gaming, net surfing, and drawing.. I try to be upbeat all the time but sometimes My mind gets to thinking and this's the mood I end up in.

Now the bright spot in my otherwise sucky life was reading the small blurb of an introduction in the Serenity Graphic Novel provided to me by Jetflair.. Thanks to Jetflair I was able to read this little jewel which is the best part of the whole damned book..

I read Nathan's blurb and though it might not seem like much and it might not have a profound effect on alot of folks, it hit a key with me.. I never went through the whole super hero thing as super heros never really interested me.. Not outside X-men anyway.. I loved comics myself though but the comics I read and collected 9And still do) are Fox Trot, Garfeild, Calvin and Hobbs, and a few select others.. I have a massive list of Webcomics I Like to read as well.. Point here is that he commented that, in so many words, to achive anythign you just need to want it bad enough.. It got me to start thinking.. That's what I need to keep in mind.. If I want it bad enough I won't quit.. I have to keep working toward my goal. Sure Maybe I'll never be rich or famous btu That's not what I care about.. My comics have never been about money because Cartoonists don't generally make money but I want to, some day, see my creations on TV or even the big screen.. I want to leave somthing behind when I leave this world.. I don't want to be just another namless human who came and past on this planet.. Maybe it's selfsih but I want it more than anythign in the universe.. I have to hang on to the hope that someday I'll hit the big time and will get myself out of this pathetic lil hell hole town.. I want to be famous enough that my scumbag father will crawl out of the sewers and try to force his way into my life.. Then will come my well earned revenge.. the knowledge that His daughter succeeded in life and yet he can never enter into her life to share in the glory..

Maybe it's stupid.. I'm not a smart person but Well.. It's all I have in this world.. It's all I'll ever have..

Well that and I'll prolly end up in the Guiness book or world records as the oldest virgin who ever lived as I'll prolly die a virgin. but then such is life..


Omg! Khei Has Another Blog!

Posted by Khei, Feb 13 2006, 07:16 AM

So yeah Because I'm going to be removing my Devinatart Gallery (Long story revolving around my rights as an artist there) I plan to share some of my artwork here with you guys..

There'll prolly be rants and raves too but you get the idea..

Oh yeah there'll be Firefly/serenity releated stuff too.. naturally.. Yeha..


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